(Author’s Note: I originally wrote this piece on September 11, 2021. It was very sunny & warm that day. First it was written on a white legal pad. I was outside, smoking away, when the words were finally driving me crazy enough to get my butt in gear & put them where they belong, on paper. Then I typed it up on my AT&T 6200 typewriter. I’m happy they have a new home here in the Digital Universe.)
Funny thing about growing older is when you realize you have crossed some kind of passing-time-line into older!
I’m not even that old. But there have been a couple of incidences when I stopped & thought: Wow! When did this happen? Example: a very attractive GIRL was walking down the street. A GIRL! That is how I identified her. Young! Too young for me! I’d guess she probably in her mid-twenties. And too young for me! Me & the other guys from the house were in a van, going to an A.A. meeting. We rode past her as she was strutting down the street, the other guys whistling & cat-calling-out obscenities.
Yep. Too old for that.
Right now, I’m on the wrong side of thirty. I would not even know how to relate to that pretty young woman. I am inept when it comes to iPhones, I have never online dated, fashion is something of a mystery to me, and I am an alcoholic, bookworm destitute searching for a Serious Relationship… when I am ready for one, that is. And even though the advent of Modern Technology has changed the technique of courtship, some things will never change.
There is a reptilian part in both Men & Women to shed their skins & change their colors to adapt & advance & survive. Especially when it comes to finding a Mate. As I mentioned, I am an inept that is destitute with a socially unacceptable disease. All I have to offer is my time… maybe some intimate moments of fleeting comfort… laughter, and some fun & good times in a kitchen… orgasms. And that’s about it.
Not to peg all Women, but I believe there is a social – as well as animalistic – tendency for Women to be arm-in-arm with The Provider. The Protector. The Winner. The Alpha, not The Rogue.
Not to peg all Men, but there is an uncontrollable (well, almost uncontrollable,) urge to spread Our seed. To brawl with the other interested Males, competing Males interested in trespassing on Our grounds we worked for & claimed as Ours’; others desiring to breed with Our mate – all of it very animalist, indeed.
I also believe, once again, not to peg all Man or Woman, of having the capacity to elevate ourselves above The Beast. That a Higher Power has awarded us a Gift – a Gift of Awareness to things not found in wolf packs & snakes & gold fish. Awareness and the capability of compassion… of yearning… of forgiveness.
Maybe some of those things are dimming; maybe because the white-hot light of “Now” is so bright there is no time to think about it… maybe I’m just wet behind the years…?
I have been out of it for some time, now. So much has changed in the country… in my world. In my personality.
I’m old enough now, though, and maturating enough to accept one of the most important components of Love. That would be action. And I need to act on loving myself. Whether it be Provide or Protect or Procreate, I need to grow a little bit older before worrying about such things.
And I’m old enough now to accept that.