In the Past

There are things in my past I am not proud of. Some of those things are very difficult to talk about, let alone remunerate their impact has had upon me, upon the people in my life.

What I REALLY want now is to be a force of something positive. Whether it be through writing, an action, generosity – whatever! As long as it is good, that is all that matters.

A reader sent me a message the other day, a picture on Facebook was sent to me. The picture was of a piece of paper, written on that page were the words “One day you will tell your story about how you overcame what you went through. And it’ll be someone else’s survival guide.”

The Reader, dear Ms. Andrea, wrote to me, saying she read that and thought of me.

It was more than touching to read those words. It was a validation to everything I am trying to do.

No, I am not perfect. Yes, every day is a struggle NOT to go back to the hell I knew as home for so long. Today I was given the archetypal choice of following a friend down the path I know all too well, or to try to help him… help him through an honesty – &, like all honesty, it had to be pushed through my personal conceptions, my personal desires – which broke through what the RIGHT thing to do vs. what I would LIKE to do.

I will not lie: there are times I would like to “party” with abandoned impunity – where there would be no consequences for my actions. But that is not the way my world – or anyone’s world, for that matter – works. There are health risks, personal loss, and psychological complications ranging from depression to mania to psychosis…

Don’t get me wrong, I am no choir boy. I love doing drugs & drinking… that’s the problem! And it became such a problem, my body & mind NEEDED all of it. Needed it more than people, books, goals, a life… everything else was in a grey & drowned background.

So, I got help. Help when I REALLY wanted it. That is the only way it COULD work.

Am I perfect & happy all day, every day?

Of course not!

Some days are really hard. My wife & I have our struggles. There are times I think about that bottle of vodka, that first line-hit of cocaine… my goodness, everyone deals with stress in their own way. Everyone celebrates happiness in their own way, overcomes pain in different ways, and soothes the soul in solace in different ways.

I try not to hold onto the “character” I was for so long.

It came time to Man the Hell up.

We shouldn’t always be looking in the rearview mirrors – there is too much in front of us to keep our eyes on.

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