There are wars everywhere. Just read the papers, look at your iPhone, ask a stranger… war is everywhere. However, the most important one is the one you fight with yourself.
That war in me, which I thought was gone, still persists. it’s a damming thing to fight with yourself. And to fight with things out of your control. Time is both a cruel & precious thing. There will be several personal matters I am going to share with you, Dear Readers if you don’t mind.
I love writing. And no matter how much I have threatened & tried to abandon it, I always seem to find the words in my head. There was even a point in my life when I hid it – hid pages I was working on, in secret, for reasons I’m not clear on anymore.
Why do I keep doing what I do?
It’s who I am.
That is the jerk-off answer.
I need to be honest: I try to be better at what I do because I NEED TO BE SOMETHING!
For years I just wrote & wrote. No audience. And none wanted. I just wanted to get it right. To put the fucking words down that were/are in my head onto the page… to get them down RIGHT – that was the goal.
Things have changed, now, yet stayed the same. In 1849, French writer Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr wrote “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose “ – the more things change, the more they stay the same…
Yes, yes, yes – I still write. But I had to come to a core of why, now, I continue. Not just because it is who I am, and what I do. I’m talking about the core – of why.
And I’m going to share it with you.
My family… I NEED for them to know I’m not just a pill-popping, alcoholic, violent tempered, crazy & out of control failure in life.
I want to be good at SOMETHING. And this is what I want to be good at.
I have good communication with my mother, my sister, my special aunts, & several cousins. And want to thank them all for their support & belief in me. I’m very proud of all of them, & give recognition the same blood pumps through our veins.
However, I have to accept a very cruel & ugly fact: for some people, the past will always influence decisions. To decide to speak or not to speak to me. I have several members of my family that fall into that unfortunate category of “the past” controlling their decisions. – They are very proud, unmoving in their morals.
Who could argue with that kind iron-made spine?
Well, I can. But I am mature enough not to.
will keep on clicking in its horrible, yet beautiful, rhythmic beat. But there is only so much time. Believe me, it will end for me, for you, for everybody. Fear & Pride are nothing to hold onto. I have neither of those qualities. I have regret, elation, & a sense of belonging.
In my mind, I see myself as 70. Me punching a heavy bag, still trying to achieve something from residule emotions from the past. – To get it out! Hell, I see myself winning The Pultizer.
I know I will never live to be 70.
I know I will never receive The Pulitzer Prize.
But I will keep fighting for BOTH.
Maybe that will be enough to get a letter, a phone call… a message.
I won’t stop punching.