Shifting Gears

One of my biggest problems is being too out of touch with everything; of becoming too comfortable with isolation away from my generation – a generation I, at one time, felt strongly compelled to write about and define.  So much of Beat Generation writers dedicated more words detailing the intricacies of friends and lovers, detailing what would be the classic texts to an original movement in American Literature & Culture.

I’m envious of that.  Envious in the sense there were enough of them to be a movement.  Isolation is something I am good at.  It’s very uncommon for me to associate with anyone.  My Special Lady Friend, Tara, is always with me.  And she is my true companion.  Me being isolated does not seem to bother her.  Yearning for more social activities is something, I will not deny, I have been wanting to do.

Charles Bukowski wrote in his second novel, Factotum: “Isolation is the gift.  All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it.  And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds.”

You could not be more correct in your assessment, Mr. Bukowski.  I’ve kept on doing it.  And, most of the time, I enjoy my isolation.  Pushing myself to be more active, though… that seems right, as well.  Never have I been one to make friends easy.  And I’m talking about the REAL kinds of friends that are genuinely GOOD to one another.  That is hard to find in the Addict’s World.  And, sadly, that is where I have spent a good deal of my time.  Five or so years of being amongst criminals does not make for a good field for friendship tryouts.

It’s not like I went out to dinner with those people.  That would have required money.  If there was money – ANY amount of money – it was spent on the demons demanding to be fed within us.  All the men & women in the rehabs & institutions I was in, they were Associates.  There were no REAL friends there.  We were forced to talk with one another.  If I liked someone more than another, I spent my time with them.  But it was not going to blossom into something that would endure.

I did not want that.

What I would like, now, is it be around people the polar opposite of me.  I mean, I would not want a friend that could be a possible risk to the serenity I have acquired.  If there is going to be a problem, I want to be the problem.

Hopefully, I’ll find some people out there that will put up with me.


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