Possessions scare me. I have given away & lost & destroyed so much of my things, to obtain some now – even more terrifying, to buy something – makes me uncomfortable.
Will I be able to carry it?
Is it something someone would want to steal?
Why do I need it?
Will I need it?
Where can I put it/them?
I don’t deserve it!
Am I going to lose it!
(I’ll probably lose it.)
If I tell someone I’m going to buy something, it becomes a responsibility, which results in me having a mini panic attack. I’ve become hypothetically, contractually obliged to the endeavor. Something so simple as going to a gas station to buy a cup of coffee makes me leery.
(And trust me when you read these words: I can mess up buying a cup of coffee.)
What if the card gets declined? And I already poured the coffee into a cup. What do I do with it? How angry have I made the attendant? Do I pour the coffee back into the pot, throw away the cup & stroll along on my embarrassing way?
Something attuned to terror comes over me withdrawing money from an ATM.
What if the money is not there? (Yet, I know it is. I called the bank to check the balance before leaving the house.)
How much will be there? (The nice, automated voice on the phone told me, but they told me the wrong amount the month before. Even nice, automated voices can be wrong, from time to time.)
What do I spend the money on? What do I use the change on?
Why am I afraid to spend it responsibly?
All these uncomfortable thoughts surface to a degree where not being comfortable is an understatement. A circle of cynicism is drawn & cycling, creating the notion I do not want the money. – Too much drama & loathing accompany in having it.
I don’t want to spend it!
I want someone else to spend it for me! But paradoxically, they would have to give me as much of it as I want, when I want it, & not to question me on what I spend it on.
It makes no sense! And I am aware it makes no sense. I would be putting myself in the exact same predicament. Another hurtle would have to be negotiated with, that’s all.
At this moment in my life, as of this writing, I’m very overwhelmed. And I do not want this overwhelming sensation associated with any paranoid, negative concept. No, no, no!
Where I am at right now is a blessing. A gift. A prayer answered. With a small income (which is a fortune to me,) a little apartment, & the honest pursuit to be sober… all this, after wandering & being lost for, literally, years, I’m afraid of screwing it all up. Of having to start all over, again. To walk those streets & dark paths I know too well yet again. Waking up in the hospital, again. Being admitted to another detox; another rehab to spend another pointless month, daydreaming of another life.
I fear I will not know how to express gratitude through altruistic actions.
I don’t want the fear of making a mistake. That is the powerhouse force in why I don’t want to buy too much clothing. What if I screw up? Get kicked out & can’t take all of it with me. Don’t want to buy books. Too heavy to carry around the streets. They take up too much room. I do have a backpack, now, though. I could take a few. But I’d want to take all of them with me.
Things are out there that I want yet am afraid to have, because I know the feeling of losing them. And I’m not just talking about possessions. I’m talking about human relationships. Trust. Apathy. Security. All of these things are things that can be taken away from you. Or given away. It can be by your own volition, or it can be forced upon you.
Fear corrodes the mind. It stunts it in its own unique way, turning your desires into things which must be questioned… & ever suspicious of attaining. Something I fear greatly is touch by a member of the opposite sex (there is a reason & a story behind that, but I am already on a roll on the subject of Fear, & I don’t want the distraction,) yet it is something I yearn for. My closest “friend” during this past month screwed up royally in a dangerous way, & I no longer trust him, now.
And I will probably never see him again.
However, blessings keep happening. I am now able to honestly say I have the courage to be judged & scrutinized & damned & criticized writing on this public site. That I have the time & resources & motivation to be productive, to have undeniable faith The Word is still accessible to me without constantly being under the influence is a blessing I am thankful for.
And it is undeniable, this Faith, & the outcomes awarded in having it.